Our top story today: Disaster struck a ceiling fan convention tonight when the scheduled entertainment: "Doctor Linguini and his Trampolining Sheep" hit the floor... According to one eyewitness everything was fine until one extremely high bounce and then the sheep hit the fan. Our top story today: Convicted hitman Jimmy "Twoshoes" Mclarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a ricefield using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit that this may be the first known case of a "Knick Knack Paddy Whack". Our top story today: Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane. Btw I didn't make those jokes
How many Portuguese does it take to sink a submarine? Two. One knocks the door and the other one opens it. ---------- Three men, an Italian, a French and a Portuguese went for a job interview in England. Before the interview, they were told that they had to compose a sentence in English, with three main words: "GREEN", "PINK" and "YELLOW". The Italian was the first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the YELLOW sun. I see the GREEN grass, and I think to myself "I hope it will be a PINK day." The French was the next: "I wake up in the morning, I eat a YELLOW banana, a GREEN pepper and in the evening I watch the PINK panther on TV." Last one was the Portuguese: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone GREEN. GREEN... GREEN..., I PINK up the phone and I say YELLOW!"
What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps? a river
Now this seriously made me laugh. I should note this one down when I go to work on Monday (as I work in Prague) :-D . How many policemen are needed to change a light bulb? 11. Why? - 1 is standing on top of a table and holding the light bulb - 4 are holding the table and walk in a circle to first remove and then fix the new light bulb - 4 are walking around the table so that the 4 who hold the table don't get dizzy - 1 is at the door checking if the electricity is running - 1 is overseeing the whole operation And for those more technically educated: I know a great UDP joke but you may not get it. Or why are US programmers so confused on X-mas and halloween? Because 25 Dec == 31 Oct
For programmers A SQL query comes to a bar to two tables and asks: "Can I join you?" For physicists/chemists Two hydrogen atoms are in a bar. One asks the other one: "Why do you look so sad?" "I think I lost my electron." "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive." For tax consultants/accountants Little girl asks her father, a tax consultant: "Dad, can you help me with my math homework?" "Sure." "How much is 2 + 2?" "Hmmm, how much do you need the result to be?" For lawyers Two lawyers come to restaurant and order a coffee. Then they start unpacking their sandwiches. The waitress tells them: "Sorry but you can't eat your own food here." One of the lawyers said: "We'll just exchange the sandwiches then..." EDIT: typos
A father is watching TV when his son enters the room. Son: Dad it's cold in here! Father: Go stand in the coner! Son: Why?!?!?! Father: It's 90 degrees
Two hunters are walking through the forest, looking to shoot game. One of them suddenly clutches his chest and falls to the ground. The other one, panicking, calls 911. "Please, send an ambulance! My friend just got a heart attack!" "Calm down," the telephone attendant says. "First, make sure if he isn't dead." A moment of silence, then the attendant hears a shot. Then the hunter comes back on. "Okay, now what?" The emperor of a distant country has been reigning for 10 years. To celebrate, he visits the prisoners of war. He gets to the first PoW. "As it is my 10th year as emperor, I hereby grant you any wish besides freedom." The prisoner, an American, answers: "Well, I really miss hamburgers. From now on, I want a hamburger every single day." "Granted." the emperor says, and he goes to the next prisoner, a Russian. "As it is my 10th year as emperor, I hereby grant you any wish besides freedom." The prisoner: "Well, I really miss vodka. From now on, I want a bottle of vodka every single day." "Granted." the emperor says, and he goes to the last prisoner, a Cuban. "As it is my 10th year as emperor, I hereby grant you any wish besides freedom." The prisoner: "Well, I really miss Cuban cigars. From now on, I want a box of cigars every single day." "Granted." the emperor says, and he leaves. 10 years later, he comes back to grant the prisoners another wish. He gets to the first prisoner, who is now morbidly obese and can only lie on his bed all day. "As it is my 20th year as emperor, I hereby grant you any wish besides freedom." The American answers: "No, no. I am completely happy now, I don't require anything else." The emperor goes to the next prisoner, who is completely drunk and can barely walk. "As it is my 20th year as emperor, I hereby grant you any wish besides freedom." The Russian slurs: "No, no, I'm completely happy now, I don't require anything else." The emperor goes to the last prisoner. "As it is my 10th year as emperor, I hereby grant you any wish besides freedom." The Cuban answers: "Yes, could I have a lighter?"
Why can you never tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn have ears, and the beans-talk
So, we have to keep jokes child friendly and not-colorful? Just making sure, I have a pretty adult redneck joke.
Heh, it needs to follow the regular Forum guidelines - and as we are All Ages, it should probably be an all-ages kind of joke
