Jokes

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."

"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"

God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."

Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."

God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."

Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

How do you organize a Space Party??

You Planet!

I didn't notice at first but I feel bad for little pluto. You're still a planet to me!

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders a pint, the second orders half a pint, the third orders a quarter of a pint.

The bartender rolls his eyes and pours two pints before the fourth can order.

***warning dirty joke***

A white horse fell into a mud puddle.

Extra dirty

Want to hear a dirty joke?
Billy plays in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?
Billy plays with bubbles in the tub.

Want to hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door.

Wait, I thought this was a no limits bar!

I had to read the explanation to figure it out.
Wouldn't it as some point exceed two pints? Or will it never reach 2?
Wouldn't the formula break when it reaches atomic/subatomic/quark levels with a physical object like beer?

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs!

It will reach 2 at infinity.

What Jammy said.. The point of a limit is that it never reaches, in this case 2, unless you assume an infinite number of calculations. Even infinity - 1 and you end up with the teeniest tiniest fraction under 2. And we're talking math, not physics, so quantum physics don't really enter into it.

This was given to me last night. Kinda disappointed that I didn't get this one from scathis a long time ago.

My paper aeroplane won't fly. It's completely stationery.

What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
He was booked for a salt and battery.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have an H2O". The second says "I'll have an H2O too"... And he died.

I apologise for making so many bad chemistry jokes... But all the good ones argon!

Addition: I don't want to boron, but I remembered another good one:

What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can't curium and you can't helium, you might as well barium!

I forgot how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.

What do you get when you run behind a car?

Exhausted

What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?


A jailer watches cells while a jeweler sells watches

What does an annoying pepper do?

It get’s jalapeño face!

I’d like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.

Tru Dat!! I freakin love sidewalks! If it weren't for them, I'd be out on the streets every day