THESE FISTS LIVE FOR THIS A GUIDE TO THE TANK

WORK IN PROGRESS - IT IS RATHER SILLY

Tired of being OUTSHOT by Gunners? Sick of picking SHOTGUN PELLETS out of your Eggium-Plate Armor? Wish you could stop being the butt of FAT jokes? You need a guide! But not just any old, run-of-the-mill guide. There are plenty of those. What we have here is a STEP-BY-STEP, VERBOSE guide with COOL FORMATTING*. So, start your journey along the path to Tank-nirvana!**

*formatting may not actually be cool
**Like regular Nirvana, but with bacon-draped PitGirls

CONTENTS
[1] PROS AND CONS
[2] WEAPONS
[3] SKILLS
[4] PRO MATCH-UPS
[5] ENDORSEMENTS AND BUILDS
[6] MAP GUIDES
[7] BONUS! BLITZ GUIDE

PROS AND CONS

[+] The Tank excels against bots. The Sniper may be able to decimate bots from the safety of his own base, and the Assassin may be able to tear through bots with ease and grace but and this is important you're a TANK. You can DEFEND YOUR BOTS from the DASTARDLY ENEMIES. Think about it; your Railgun takes care of far-off foes like a certain BEHATTED COWARD and your Jet Gun takes care of those too feeble or stupid to flee before your magnificent beard like that THREE-EYED MASK GIRL. Result? You march into the enemy base with 15 BlackJacks behind you.

[+] Your STUPENDOUS HEALTH. You have more health than any other class. Your health recovery will EMBRACE you like a WARM BLANKET if you simply upgrade Deploy and hide behind a wall. You draw the most fire, but you can BUY YOUR WAY TO HEALTHINESS by quickly upgrading your Passive skill.

[+] You are a JUICE DEMON. You are safe from most forms of crowd control. Difficult to grapple someone with SCORCHED STUMPS WHERE YOUR MEATHOOKS USED TO BE, isn't it? You tear down turrets, bust up bots and...make pros dead?

[+] You have a THROWING GRAPPLE. Seriously, how awesome is that? Sneak up on an Assault MAKE HIM TASTE HIS OWN MEDICINE. See a Juiced enemy THROW HIM INTO THE STANDS FOR A MEET AND GREET. And how about that BEARD?

[-] You are SLOW. While most honourable enemies will simply prostrate themselves and pray for a swift end, some dare to CAST SLANDEROUS COMMENTS ABOUT YOUR FACIAL HAIR while running away. The CHUBBY ITALIAN and the TOKEN BLACK GUY are most guilty of this.

[-] Your Skills seem to make your main weapon useless. Charge makes your enemies SOAR INTO THE HEAVENS, and out of the range of your Jet Gun. Your own Product Grenades try to BLOW YOU UP if used too close to you. Notice how seem was in italics? ITALICS MEAN BUSINESS.

[-] You are a LARGE TARGET. This is because there needs to be enough of you so all the MOTHERS OF THE OPPOSING TEAM can HAVE A PIECE OF YOU. Assault Bombs and Airstrike beacons will be PULLED IN by your AURORA OF AWESOMENESS. Minigun fire will BURN LIKE ALMOST-PAIN. "Almost-pain?", you say? TANKS DON'T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS. It is an ABSTRACT CONCEPT, likeMORALITY or NOT MELTING FACES.

WEAPONS

JET GUN*
*Or, "Do You Smell Burnt Assassin?"
Or, "Why did half a clip bounce off you?"
Or, "I'm going to slowly turn around and use my lolclosecombatmove on you"

Ah, the JET GUN. A true MAN'S WEAPON, one that needs to be UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL. To prove its manliness, it will sometimes refuse to damage the enemy at all - the MNC equivalent of the Native American tradition of counting coup. And I bet you thought this guide wouldn't teach you anything.

VERSUS PROS: Anyway, the Jet Gun is extremely susceptible to lag, and every class has a powerful close-range weapon - Gunner's Slam/Grapple, Sniper's Grapple, Assault's Charge/Headcrab, Assassin's Grapple and the Support's Shotgun/Grapple/Airstrike Beacon. My advice to you to ROAST 'EM to 2/3rds health and then CHARGE into the REMAINING PILE OF CINDERS AND REGRET, or Death Blossom SPIN LIKE A GODDAMN CHARIZARD. If you haven't fully upgraded your PRODUCT GRENADE, use that to add BLINDING INSULT to GRIEVOUS INJURY. If you have fully upgraded it, consider blasting it at the PATHETIC ENEMY WORMS that are no doubt attempting to avenge their useless comrade, or their mother's honour, while you make good your escape or reload. It is worth keeping in mind that the Tank will lose most one-on-one fights unless he gets the drop on the enemy. Try and hunt injured enemies, and your health, though STUPENDOUS, is not infinite. Most WHINERS and NE'ER-DO-WELLS see the Tank as underpowered because they expect to march STUPIDLY towards the spun-up Gunner, and be saved by their STUPENDOUS HEALTH. They are sorely mistaken. And no doubt GIRLFRIENDLESS. Why, yes, that is a word.

VERSUS BOTS: Whoa. You will turn bots into SMOKING CIRCUIT BOARDS and DELICIOUS JUICE BOXES. One Death Blossom is all you need for Slims, Black Jacks, Scramblers, Gremlins and Gapshots. I would recommend slowly FLAMBE THEM[/url] for extra Juice. Unless the BlackJacks have a SILLY LIGHT sticking out of their heads. This light means that a lily-livered PORTLY PASTA-MUNCHER has TOUCHED THEM. INAPPROPRIATELY. Remove the blight of this transgression by FLAMING the BlackJacks for a second or two before the Death Blossom. Bouncers should be grappled with the Rail Gun. JackBot? More like FREE JUICE DISPENSER. Jump jet over their silly ground pound, and Product Grenade to immobilise it. Leave some Juice Boxes and coins for your INEPT TEAMMATES, or they will TAUNT IN THE SPAWN.

RAILGUN
Or, "Fzz. Fzz. Fzz. Dead."
Or, "I Live For This!"
Or, "Goddamn Auto-Aim"

So, your DESPICABLE FOE has fled like a SCALDED, WEB-TOED CAT. Never fear! Your Railgun will restore some honour to their INBRED, UGLY hide!

VERSUS PROS: An absolute killer at long range. It is HIT-SCAN, which in NON-NERD TERMS means there is no travel time between you pressing the trigger and the enemy getting PERMANENT TISSUE DAMAGE. Think of it as a sniper rifle without the STUPID EYEWEAR, COWARDICE or QUICK DEATH BY A HEADSHOT - which allows you to LET THE ENEMY SQUIRM A LITTLE LONGER. However, the less OVERLY SEXY members of the enemy team - Sniper, Assault, Support, Assassin - will be difficult to hit at long range without an Accuracy Endorsement. Once again, lag can make or break you here. Use it for HARASSMENT and FINISHING. If you manage to kill a full-health enemy with this, you have proved how PATHETIC and THUMBLESS he is. Especially if he is a BEHATTED COWARD.

VERSUS BOTS: Three shots will destroy a BlackJack - SHODDY WORKMANSHIP from a MENTALLY-CHALLENGED ENEMY TEAM]. Also, use it to destroy Gapshots quickly. Your friendly Support will give you HEALS and DELICIOUS BACON if you save his TURRET FARM. He has a nice crop of LVL3 Rock-its coming up this year. Combine with a LVL3 Product Grenade to kill JackBots at a distance.

SPECIAL NOTE - RAILGUN GRAPPLE: You are not using this enough. CAST YOUR FOES INTO THE DEPTHS OF HADES.

SKILLS

PASSIVE: LVL2: More health/faster health regen. LVL3: More health.

Make your TANK MORE TANKY. Not a priority if you decided to RUB YOUR ENEMY'S NOSE IN YOUR MANLINESS by wearing a Gold or Silver Armour Endorsement. But more on that later. Silver Armour and LVL3 Passive will allow you to survive a BEHATTED COWARD'S FLAMBOYANT PEA-SHOOTER round to the face - just in case your MANLY BEARD doesn't MAKE THE BULLET RUN SCREAMING TO ITS MAMA. Silver Armour and LVL3 Passive will allow you to receive a GIRLISH MUTANT'S BACKRUB with a grin on your face and a Jetgun FULL OF FURY.

PRODUCT GRENADE: LVL2: Blinds the enemy. LVL3: Releases a cluster of bomblets.

Hi, AWESOME GUIDE WRITER here for the Product Grenade - the BLINDING specialist! Use a generous helping of PRODUCT GRENADE to IMMOBILISE BOTS , REND TURRETS REDUNDANT and make BABY PROS CRY!

In all seriousness, the Product Grenade is the Tank's most useful ability. A blinded enemy is a BLUBBERING AND RETREATING enemy. However, the bomblets that drop at LVL3 are a double-edged sword; excellent at area denial, taking down waves of Bots and Firebases, and DEVOURING DEPLOYED FAT HAWAIIANS, but make them dangerous up-close. But a little ALMOST-PAIN is worth the AWESOME UTILITY. This should be first on your upgrade list.

DEPLOY: LVL2: Increases health regen. LVL3: Infinite ammo.

What is the Tank's most important skill? MOBILITY. Jump jet over COWARDLY ICE-CRAPS and DESCEND FROM THE HEAVENS LIKE A BEARDED METEOR.


Artist's depiction.

So, why is one of his skills one that ROOTS HIM TO THE GROUND, even though it does bring to mind the image of a MIGHTY OAK TREE?

Juice.

Any damage taken while deployed will give you Juice - a huge amount of Juice. Deploy near an unguarded LazerBlazer, or allow one MISERABLE INVISI-BOT TO LIVE and let him MASSAGE YOU. It is also useful for quick health regen.

CHARGE: LVL2: Increases damage. LVL3: Adds knock-down effect.

A few paragraphs ago, I asked you to be wary of italics. Not the FAT NO-AIM-GUN-WIELDERS - the supposed counter-intuitiveness of the Charge. Why should I give my MOTOR-SKILL-IMPAIRED enemy a chance to SCURRY BACK TO THE STAGNANT POOL FROM WHICH HE SPAWNED? All you must do is CHARGE WITH CAUTION. Imagine that you are a pool cue - MADE FROM OBSIDIAN AND FACIAL HAIR - and your enemies are terrified, urine-soaked pool balls. Try to "pocket" them in a place where you can finish them off, or let them SPREAD THEIR STUPIDITY ALL OVER THE PAVEMENT by ringing them out.. The other important use of the Charge is MOBILITY. Body-shotting NERDISH DASTARDS getting you down? ADVANCE IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. You can also SOAR like a FREAKIN' BIRDPLANE.

PREPARE TO BE CHARG- what!? Why am I being CHIN-MASSAGED by this HATEFUL TRANVESTITE!? Alas, many a Tank has been DENIED his RIGHTFUL SEAT AT THE TABLE OF CHAMPIONS due to ACCURSED LAG. Some claim that this is intentional - that a 3-STONE FREAK-LADY can PLUCK YOU from a charge and ATTEMPT TO SHAVE YOU. I say that it should be tested. BY SOMEONE WHO ISN'T TOO BUSY CRACKING SKULLS AND DRINKING THE DELICIOUS MARROW-JUICE.

PRO MATCH-UPS

ASSAULT
Originally supposed to be British, the POWERFUL JEWISH-AFRICAN-AMERICAN-MUSLIM LOBBYISTS stepped in and made him the token black guy. Now, he is the K/D whores SWEATY DREAM, able to pick and choose his fights due to his high mobility. He is probably your biggest threat, in the same way that A ROBOTIC T-REX FROM THE FUTURE IS THREATENED BY A WHEELCHAIR-BOUND ANT.

Wait 'till he uses his Skills, and go in for some kills. THE TANK IS A POET - YET ANOTHER PLAQUE TO HANG OVER HIS FIREPLACE AND LOOK AT WHEN HE'S DOING THE NO-PANTS CHA-CHA WITH YOUR VARIOUS MOTHERS. Close the distance as fast as you can. Save your LVL3 Charge for SENDING HIM ARSE-OVER-TIT. Even with Gold Armour, a Charge will render him HELPLESS LIKE A KITTEN, ONLY CONTEMPTIBLE RATHER THAN ADORABLE. Be wary of his jump/jetpack, especially if you're trying to Death Blossom him.

RESERVED FOR CRAZINESS

At first I was like :roll:
Then I was like
And at the end I was all like :mrgreen:

Inspired by your kind words, I wrote the weapons section. Enjoy.

The citizen kane of tank guides.

Your kind words make me smile. I'm putting it in my signature. You silver-tongued rogue.

My lord. I lol'd all the way through this. And I don't mean the dismissive internet 'lol', I mean the literal 'laugh out loud.'

Request sticky.

Dude, your signature is the best thing I've ever seen on the forums. Thanks muchly.

Absolutely hilarious read!

I was very skeptical of the over-formatting at first, but it won me over when I gave it a chance.

The only thing I recall disagreeing with is the tank not winning many 1v1 fights without the drop on someone.

You are retarded. Your guide is the best thing to ever grace these forums. Please get your facts straight.

Please send me a friend request at JackTrips. We can join a party together and just laugh and laugh and laugh. Party poopers like Hudson can't come though. He takes this game too seriously.

EDIT: MY SIG IS IN YOUR AVATAR!!! I AM STOKED!

Yeah, I probably should have asked...

I think you are just jealous that Billy and I have about six total melee kills on Drunken Feedle and you have not been there to witness any of them.

FRESH UPDATE AHOY

the railgun isnt capable of headshots.

I never said that - but it was implied. Sort of. A little bit. Reworded, to keep CORPORAL BUZZKILLINGTON happy.

You know 3 Rail gun shots to a Blackjack's leg will kill it?

DAMMIT WHY MUST YOU PEOPLE KEEP PROVING HOW WRONG I AM

EDITED

This is all stuff I already knew, but I was very entertained by this guide nonetheless.

I think all the various tactics for the Tank can be shown by a certain well-renowned member of Team OxyTeam far better than I could. So, I went for lulz. And it appears I got some. Thanks!

ITALICS MEAN BUSINESS lololololollololol