I just recently "reviewed" the first episode of a starting anime due to boredom and decided to spread it around a bit (like herpes). It's a "review" of Heroman, written by the American comic book writer legend Stan Lee. The review contains a lot of immature jokes and bad grammar due to me writing it pretty much in 24 minutes, the running time of the episode. Well, I hope you can manage to get at least 1 or 2 laughs out this little waste of time I cooked up. What happens when you cross the clicheness of American comics with the cheesiness of Japanese anime? The most obnoxious thing I have ever watched in my entire life. It's about as nonsensical as American comics and the worst shounens combined. So what happens? We start off with stock pictures of space. Some scientist from earth is sending an audio message throughout space, calling for extraterrestrials. Weirdly, this works immediately, and the message is picked up by these guys. I think they just might be evil. They start flying towards earth from a planet that has been split in two by a giant hole. While this happens, we are treated to some light hiphoppy music that remind me very, very much of a relatively recent mech anime. We are now on earth, where the main protagonist is watching a poorly animated television add for some expensive toy robot. The protagonist, being the stereotypic shounen douchebag with ****-for-brains starts drooling over the commercial while he is at work and OMG WHAT IS THAT? They have taken "Boy or girl" to a new level. Let's see... The long hair, thin body and girly voice indicate female, but the lack of boobs and the name "Joey" indicate male. The score's 3/2 and female is winning. Well fortunately Joey is male. I know it's creepy, but it's better this way than the other way around. Joey needs to go to school and is greeted by his Girlfriend on the way. The girl, Lina, is a cheerleader with the shortest skirt I've ever seen. I do believe she's supposed to be around 15 years old, so I have to question the character designer's morality here. Anyway, Joey immediately gets picked on and thrown around by his girlfriend's brother, Will, whose haircut almost makes Wakka look dignified. He wants to beat up Joey because he is poor. This is where I almost started liking this anime. Joey's about to get beat up. Yeees! But nooo... of course he has to be saved... by a dude with crutches. That's right. In real life, bullies run away from people with leg injuries. Try it. Gigantic mess/afro hybrid for hair will help. Well our protagonist's savior's name is Psy. He plays the stereotypical, "Cool, friendly, athletic dude." I don't think he had any choice but to adapt that attitude. His parents must've hated him, hence the name Psy. Anyway, Psy and Joey go to class. Joey proceeds to ignore the lesson and draws the robot he saw in the commercial... poorly. Psy throws a note at him, telling Joey to add wings to it. I guess he's easily impressed. Joey reads to note out loud and is scolded by the teacher. Why he would rather draw toy robots than pay attention to the teacher is beyond me. It is implied that Joey's school day is only 1 hour long, so he runs off to bring some stuff he promised to a professor who lives nearby. This professor happens to be the same person who contacted the aliens in the beginning. On Joey's arrival, he makes the most obvious pedophile face in the world at Joey, then begins to gloat over his success. I have no idea how he knows he contacted the aliens, as I doubt the aliens sent him a message back. It's also funny that a man with a homemade telescope managed to contact the aliens before say... NASA, but whatever. Joey understands he better leave before the professor suggests a private party, and heads back to his part time job. On the way he has a completely pointless conversation with Psy about the bullies. They see these bullies playing with the new toy robot that Joey has been drooling over. Of course, because bullies haven't heard of sharing, they fight over the remote and send the robot to its impending doom of being hit by a car. Joey gasps in horror. The bullies shrug it off and toss the remains in a trash can. Joey goes dumpster diving and says he can fix this intricate super advanced toy robot with tape and glue. MacGyver has nothing on him. We cut to a montage of him fixing the robot over many days. However, something tells me he isn't exactly cut out to be an engineer. yeah... I don't think that'll work. Anyway the "repairs" are almost done and Joey names the toy "Heroman." Psy watches over the repairs and replies "That's a great name," at which I couldn't help but laugh. Let's not forget about the aliens though. They have traveled to our solar system with some sort of warp speed system that sends off gigantic halos of red energy. This halo crashes into earth, causing ultra gigantic storms of rain and lightning. The size of the halo would imply that the ship is ten times the size of moon. It's weird how apparently no one notices it. Joey finishes the repairs during this lightning and shoves the toy around while shouting "Punch, Kick!" He leaves the toy in his room and heads off to work. We cut to a scene of Lina being picked up from some place by her dad because of the lightning. It then starts raining. Unable to concentrate on one scene at a time like a kid on cocaine, the anime decided we should watch Joey remember that he left his room's ceiling window open and his precious toy robot is going to get wet. Thinking this is a proper reason to leave work, he dashes out to his house, while an anime Stan Lee look-alike demands coffee. The scene changes again. We are now back at Lina's dad's car. Her dad is unhappy that Joey is poor. Another scene change. Joey is back at home and runs into his room to find the toy robot soaking wet from the rain. He forgot to close his window, but then again, how would he do that since the window is at the ceiling and Joey looks about 80cm tall. Anyway he rushes over to the toy, but just before he can reach it, it is struck by lightning, which sends Joey flying all the way back to the door of his room. I didn't know Lightning could do that. I guess everyone here is too poor to have lightning rods. Joey walks back up to the smoking carcas that was his toy robot and picks up the remote, this disk about the size of your palm with an LED display. Why he took the remote in the first place confuses me as he fixed the wirings of the robot with glue. The remote magically starts to glow and blows up, not damaging Joey, but instead breaking the laws of physics and turning into a giant glove around Joey's arm. Joey presses the LED display which blows up the toy robot in the same fashion as the remote did. Unfortunately, the robot doesn't reform over Joey and crush him, but repeats the same matter creating trick and turns into a giant robot right there in his room, completely obliterating it. Joey doesn't care that his room now looks like a warzone, but gloats over that the toy robot has come to life as a giant robot with American colors. The scene changes again. We continue to observe Lina's trip somewhere in her dad's car, as the lightning strikes a telephone pole, making it fall on the motorway. Some other car driving next to an oil truck freaks out, sending them both crashing. Lina's dad sees this wreckage and tries to brake, but because of the slippery roads and American all-season tires, the car starts slipping. The drivers of the truck and the car before run out of the way as Lina's dad's car crashes in the oil truck and Honestly, I wish they were actually dead. Heroman notices the explosion and the LED display on the remote starts glowing again, showing a weird stick figure picture of something I swear I've seen at a kamasutra book. They call it, the Stan Lee maneuver Joey presses it because it's shiny. This makes heroman extend his arm at Joey, making me hope it was the "kill owner" button, but instead Heroman puts Joey on his back and starts running at the scene of the explosion while the editor of the episode keeps pressing the "slow motion" button on and off repeatedly. Heroman makes a giant leap and flies several hundreds of meters, landing so roughly any human would have been torn to shreds, especially ones as anorexic looking as Joey. Weirdly unharmed, Joey looks at the scene of the accident, where despite the explosion, Lina and her dad are both only unconcious and stuck inside their car. Joey tries to open the car's doors in vain as the shiny button starts glowing again. This time it displays a picture of a clenched fist, which I doubt is an effective rescue method. Joey makes the background turn into this weird yellow brown smudge as he shrieks and presses the button, making me hope that THIS is the "kill owner" button. No, this makes Heroman tear the roof off the car. While Heroman SLOWLY tears the car apart, oil starts pouring out of the truck towards an exposed electrical wire. Funny how much running oil there is AFTER a giant explosion. The oil lits on fire and Joey's armremotethingamajig forms a bubbleshield around him just before all the cars blow up in a giant fireball. Joey gets up and glances over the wall of fire that was his girlfriend and toy robot. They all died as there's no way the robot could protect the humans from a gigantic explosion that spread fire in all directions. ... How the hell did that happen? They are completely unscathed! Bullshit! They should look like roasted marshmallows. Once again Joey gloats over his giant robot while it stares at him with those soulless, murderer eyes. I still think it's funny how Joey never even stopped to question how a small lifeless toy robot with a lot of glue in it turned into a giant teleporting megabot. We end with a quick scene of the alien leader emerging out of some slimy pod thing and looking at earth from space. What a bunch of retarded ****. The story is ****, the characters are ****, the animation is **** (shame on you Bones) and the physics are ****. While I encourage disposing of physics if they are replaced with awesome, this has given me nothing for it. This is just bad. Really, really bad. Oh, I mentioned the hiphoppy music earlier in the scene with the aliens. That's not the only thing that reminded me of Sci-fi animes better than this one. Here's something fun from the opening. To be honest, all 3 of these remind me of animes made by a single studio. One that I hold in an even higher regard than Bones actually.
I'm not really into anime and that stuff but I've read your whole review because it was very entertaining.You don't plan to write a review about a random episode of Star Wars: The Clone Wars by any chance? I do doubt your assessment that this was the most obnoxious thing you've ever seen however - unless you skipped Episode I+II and every Uwe Boll movie in existence...
I've heard quite enough horror stories (and seen enough reviews *Click) about Uwe Bowl that I've decided to steer away from them. I don't think they're even airing that Clone Wars series here in Finland, and I would actually need something I can watch on my computer, as I have no screen capture hardware for the television. Though in the end I doubt I'll do anything like this for a while anyway since I'm in the middle of my exam week.
Well, you don't miss much if you never watch ST: The Clone Wars. Maybe another time or I'll write a review on that in case anybody is interested. Good luck with your exam!
clone wars? random I'm a bit of an otaku, which made me go to Anime Boston the week after at the same place after PAX East To be honest I kinda skimmed through it, and it was interesting...If I ever fully read it and/or think otherwise I'll let you know
