dude that's messed up. to lighten stuff up: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Show him a used tampon and ask, "What period is this from?" Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit? A: Fingernails. Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it'd be a foot!
I use to be addicted to soap.. I'm clean now. Why are saturday and sunday the strongest days of the week? The rest are weekdays. Two blonds walk into a building.. You'd think one would of seen it. How does a clam make a phone call? With there shellphone!
Where does the dog go to get a new tail? The Retail store! Why did the bee get married? They found their honey
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza restaurant and when asked for his order he says "make me one with everything".
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine. No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation. If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying for the night in a hotel, a small fire breaks out in each room. The physicist awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on the back of the hotel's wine list does some quick calculations. Grabbing the fire extinguisher, he puts out the fire with one, short, well placed burst, and then crawls back into bed and goes back to sleep. The engineer awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on the back of the hotel's room service list (pizza menu) does some quick calculations. Grabbing the fire extinguisher (and adding a factor of safety of 5), he puts out the fire by hosing down the entire room several times over, and then crawls into his soggy bed and goes back to sleep. The mathematician awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on a blackboard installed in the room, does some quick calculations. Jubilant, he exclaims "A solution exists!", and crawls into his dry bed and goes back to sleep.
One day, a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer were discussing the human body. They were trying to decide what engineering type had designed it. After several hours of discussion and careful examination, each had an answer. Proudly, the electrical engineer announced, "Look at all those nerve endings and pathways. This proves that it must have been an electrical engineer who designed the human body." The other two objected. Then the mechanical engineer announced, "You're wrong. Look at all those joints and muscles that make the body move. This proves that it must have been a mechanical engineer that designed the human body." At this point, the electrical engineer began to argue with the mechanical engineer. After a few minutes, they noticed that the civil engineer was not participating in the argument. He was sitting listening to the others and smiling. They both turned to him and asked, "What are you smiling about?" He said, "You're both wrong. It was a civil engineer who designed the human body. Who else would pass a toxic waste pipe through a recreational area?"
What has ten letters and starts with gas? An automobile. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on its own? Because it was two tired.
What happened the Duracell Bunny's court hearing? He was charged with assault and battery. Haha, aha..... I'll stop now.
Think that's in terrible taste? Have you seen any authentic Ethiopian food? No? It is okay, neither have they! Assuming that doesn't ban me, I believe I am done here...
What do you call a whale in a desert lake? Lost. What do you call a lion on the freeway? Lost. What do you call a penguin on the moon? Dead.
So, I'm 22, and every time I attend a wedding, the old women always poke me with their bony fingers saying "hey mister, you're next!". I figured out how to get them to stop. All I had to do, was the same exact thing back to them... ...everytime we attend a funeral. "hey auntie, you're next"
