An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better, I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute... and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit, he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of loads into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter, so daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
I could tell you the joke about the child with AIDS, because it never gets old. I walked by an abortion clinic, called "Don't Kid Yourself". After servere accidents. it always seems to be the burn victims that stick together... Al Qaeda's favorite football team is the New York Jets. I knew this great joke about Jonestown, but the punchline was to long. Pink Floyd and Princess Diana, their last big hit was the wall. I could tell you what starts with F and ends in UCK, but the first thing in your mind of course is FIRETRUCK. Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure... I would have prayed for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, and not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. A bus station is where a bus stops, and train station is where a train stops, and on my desk I happen to have a work station.. Do I know any jokes about Sodium Hypobromite? NaBrO Sometimes it feels like I have too many tabs open inside my head, and that pisses me off because I can't figure out which one is playing the music and the obnoxiously loud advertizement. I like to stop the microwave with one second to go because it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert. I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony, and then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it. Does anyone else assume, when their friend's profile pictures are of a car, that they are a Transformer? As a young child, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be, but as it turns out, the police call this “Identity Theft” The best thing about smartphones, is ever since they have been around, the "speaking to another human being" feature has been my lowest rated feature. My two friends were so high last night, they spend an hour looking for me while I helped them look.
What mouse walks on 2 legs? Mickey Mouse? So what duck walks on 2 legs? Donald Duck? no, all ducks, dumbass.
