loosing best friend over girl (btw, totally fixed, scroll down a little)

I know, stupid of me to ask for advice on this on a forum.

I guess in the end I just need to spill my guts a little.


Has anyone ever been in this situation? I couldn't care less about the girl when measured up to one of my very best friends. I just want to keep my friendship with him.

last night I was invited out to a night of drinking by him. (contex : Toulouse has been rated hardest partyers in France, also drinking in public is legal, so most people settle down by the riverside, play guitar or whatever instrument and talk and drink and widen the circle.)


I go and I meet his plus ones: a couch surfing couple I don't know he's been having over at his place, two other girls I don't know, another guy I’d seen once at his place and a girl that is a good friend of ours (rightly so, we lived the high life together when us three and his sister where travelling for three months in latin america, which we all remember as the pinnacle of our lives).

later on at an electro/rock club we're drunk and dancing, my best friend is reinventing dance all together from it's very roots and it's amazing, I see him trying his luck with one of the two other girls but he seems way to pushy (and drunk) to be pulling it off. To very little surprise of mine it doesn't stick.

At the time it seems comical to me, something we'll laugh over the following day. I just think ooooh, he'll be him.

aside from this I’ve been eyeing the girl and her back. She slips in front of me as I have a moment of "whoaa peeerty lights" looking at the stage show. then we dance. then make out. I ask her if she wants to get out of this place she's like heck yeah. I'm like where's your stuff? she says over there, same as me, we start that way.

as I pass my best friend on the way I reach for a hug but he violently pushes me back knocking back a couple other people behind me as well, for this small joint, almost a complete show-stopper.

thinking fast I gather he wasn't trying his luck, he was already in a relationship with her.

I tell him I had legitimately no idea and I had had no desire to find myself in this situation and that he should have said something, let me know.

He tells me they were in a free relationship anyways. Her and I are free to do what we want anyways.

I tell him I'm staying, I'm not doing this. Bullshit to that! he matters more. But he pushes me again.

I sense that he's somewhat making the choice for me and that sticking around I'd get punched in the face. (I wouldn't ever had fought back but I think the same goes for him, he's not of violent nature and all over his face is painted restraint, had his nature been any less peacefull to boot, I'd have already been punched long ago)

I make the call to leave with the girl. she has a right to her say and deep down I'm thinking me as well.

Now it's early morning. I haven't called him yet, he won't be up, but I suspect that when I do he won't pick up. but I'll still try anyways.

I have no desire to end a long friendship hardened by unique moments we shared halfway around the world leaving boyhood, becoming independent and understanding the deeper nature of the world like you do when you travel like this with all ties severed and your house on your back in places untampered by society.

Who's ever been in a similar situation? What did you do, if you found any solution at all, to untangle the mess?

I dunno I guess hearing similar stories would comfort me and maybe help me think straight and see my next course of action clearly. Usually I'm a better problem solver than this.

I was in a long-term relationship for most of my adult life, so I'm not able to give any personal insight into stuff like this I'm afraid.

However, this is going to depend entirely on him. All you can do is be honest with him, but you can't control how he'll react. Let him sober up (and get through some of the inevitable hangover) then give him a call this evening.

Just give him all the facts to work with and then there's nothing you can do but see what he does with them. If you two are as close as you say, hopefully he'll realise you aren't lying and be able to reconcile.

That's all I got Tatsu. Unfortunate position you're in.

I have the relationship experience of a spoon.

Yeah, you done messed up man. He was a jerk the way he initially reacted, even after you explained. Then he made the open relationship stuff up to save face. Not sure how close you guys are but after he said that you should have backed off. Plenty more fish in the sea... Haha says the guy who got with his best friends sister this weekend.

But yeah you messed up, but If he a good mate, he will forgive you and forget about her. So yeah expect him to be disappointed with you. Just send him a message saying yeah I done f'ed up. Wanna go for a cup of tea. Alcohol... Crazy stuff that.

Sounds like you selfishly went off with her even though it was really clear it would hurt him. Imo you should grovel unreservedly.

I don't understand alcohol, or partying, or dancing, or... going outside.

But talk to your friend when he isn't drunk. People think more clearly when they're not drunk.

OK update guys! I called him up, he answered! and we both cleared things up I apologised as did he (though I didn't even feel he needed to). He told me the girl was going out with another guys simultaneously anyways but that he expected it to be logical that when you go on a night out like that you don't go home with someone else which is why she is in the past for him now. He says otherwise he doesn't care and he has another girl coming down from the south he'll likely be hooking up with. We had a few good laughs, all is well.

while I totally agree, don't think I didn't think this myself at all. I had this thought right as I was telling him I'm not leaving. In that moment the situation was : stay there and potentially make things worse (whereas now they're fixed) and also hurt the girl by leaving her with noone to go home with and in shame, or giving in to my lust, the alcohol and conciliating that with not making things worse.

the damage was done.

the thing that cut me the deepest right at the instant of realisation, was that any second before that in my life, you would have told me that I'd find myself in the situation of having cheated or stealing someone else's girl, let alone go for the frivolous type, I'd have retorted : "Hahaha, tough luck trying to make that stick! A jock, a bad boy, a playboy, a loverboy, say that to any of those and you'd have tenfold more chance of being right, but me? A guy who's tolled through the nice guy jig even though through trial and error and darwin it's been prooved wrong? Me? never." And that's what killed me.

That's why the first thing that came to my mind right then is "I never thought I'd be standing where I'm standing right now, not ever!!!" I was so surprised.
that's why that's the first thing I blurted out to my friend.

I do understand though. Even now the eternal debate rages on.

how would I react now?

I don't think that I would change my actions.

When I say that I'm usually a good problem solver, believe me, for in-person social relations, I usually have a thunderstorm of running through all the chess-piece like moves that are possibilities in an instant.

And that's what I did on the spot and how I deduced that ditching the girl would only make things worse.


In fact the retrospect, the sobering up and the curent situation makes me even more convinced that it would have been the wrong move.

My friends looks at his actions now as improper. but then? of course not! and he'd have swung a punch too. He was on the verge of it, I could really tell from his face.

If he had, would he have still been apologetic today? perhaps it would have cemented his then-drunk stance of me being the issue.

My after-the-fact explanation that I thought him kissing her was just an 'attempt' and my assurance that he had not told me they were going out made him retract his belief that I was lying on the spot, which is really what had upset him the most, he said.

In light of that I realise couldn’t have reasoned with him on the spot.

If the girl went with this, and is supposed to be his girlfriend, how much of a relation were they in to begin with? Let alone the fact that your best friend didn't tell you.

It's been messy, clearly, but i think there's not much else you could've done differently.

Sweet thanks for the update. Love updates. I would question your people skills if you still think you would do it all again. And prob best you don't tell him you think that.

A close friend was annoyed with you for kissing a girl he was hooking up with and then you tought it would be alright to take her home. At the beginning you acted fine, like ah sorry I didnt know. Just let him flip out a bit, go cuddle a pillow and call him a **** for doing so the next day. Is how that scenario would have played out with me and any of my mates.

no, ofc not! not all, I just think past the realisation point I would have still made the same call in that exact situation.

however I now know to lay completely off anyone who seems to have a buyer amongst my friends.

but yes of course I agree I could have just ditched her and him both.

Sounds like it was his fault anyway. You did nothing wrong.

There are times when I wish I had other peoples problems. Women wanting to leave with me being one of those problems.

#gamergate

How do you think I felt when I backed off a girl because I thought my mate was into her then years later he tells me he is gay -_- I was like really?!

He prob just said that cause he wanted you all to himself. Prob a true story too.

terrible and like you should have gone for it? :/

*hugs* There are times when I wish I could rub off my "problems" onto others with hugs. ....wait maybe I can if I do it alot!

*hug**hug**hug**hug*

He still might've actually been into her. Unless he knew he was gay back then.

Give him an Ultimate Troll trophy.

He says he always knew, just wasn't sure. Ah well what's in the past is in the last